Just another random thought or two...

...wtf is up with this evil heat? It's been in the high 80's - 90's this week. And there's a really dry wind.

It's like the old Santa Ana winds back home.

I hated those winds. And I hated that kinda weather. At least back home, it usually didn't start until summer.

It's May, dammit. Only May! Geez, if I wanted sweltering heat I could have stayed back home. Or gone to some tropical place.

...oh wait, tropical places have bugs, and I've got that slight littaru phobia...

*sigh*

Worse, because my room is so hot with little circulation, I have to try keeping the door open. Which is a problem, because the cats want to come in. But the cats, being hot, are shedding - which already is making my allergies do interesting things to my nasal passages as it is. So I have this cardboard box barrier blocking my door... but I still have to keep an eye on the door, 'cause sometimes the cats try anyway...

*sigh again*

Ah well... who needs to breathe anyway, right?

...oh wait...
__________

I don't know how I'm feeling right now. Am I happy?

I'm not miserable. I mean, I miss my family still, and all my friends back home. But I'm not falling to pieces or anything. I suppose I'm content enough. I guess. Been having bouts of melancholy, but that is normal enough for me.

But I do find myself missing the company. I especially find myself missing my brother. Even though sometimes he drove me crazy, it was always nice to know that if I needed to talk, he was just over in the next room. And I miss hanging out with my friends - going to coffee, or out to dinner, or just visiting with them from time to time.

And the babies! I miss seeing the little babies. All my friends back home have those cute little girl babies. And they're all so cute!

... okay... girly moment over... sorry about that...

As for me... well... I've pretty much given up on all that. After my last blundering bout of stupidity involving my wayward (and utterly devoid of any hint of intelligence) heart, I don't feel I can ever trust it again. It's to the point now that I find myself almost literally running away to avoid allowing my emotions to become too invested in anyone.

Yeah yeah, stupid of me. Blah blah blah, better to risk, yadda yadda, perfect match out there somewhere, and all that stuff. Bah. I've heard it all before. I've said it all before to others - and for them I meant it sincerely. But for me? Nah, dun think so. Not me. Some people don't deserve that kind of happiness.

...okay... so there's just a bit of self-directed bitterness there... (but then, when someone uses you to basically trick you into giving away 10 years of creative work... well... yeah, YOU try not to be just a littaru bitter...)

For the most part, I don't blame anyone else for what happened. Mostly, I blame myself - for placing my trust in the wrong person. Sometimes I blind myself to the faults of others. It's a struggle to see people not as I want to see them, but for what they are.

It's a struggle to try to find forgiveness in my heart for the wrongs of the past. I don't know if I can do it. I know I should let it go, but it's very hard for me to do. I tend to be rather easy going and all, until someone crosses the line. After that, I have the VERY bad tendency to hold grudges - and hold them I do, as tightly as a miser holds his last gold coin in a crowd of beggars.

But forgiving others is still easier than finding that same forgiveness for myself. And I don't know why. I've never known why.