Spirals

Times change. Things change. And people change too. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. But that's just the nature of things. Of life, really.

Progress is usually seen as a straight line, leading from the past into the present and straight into the future. People always talk about growing, changing, moving on, moving forward. Forward, ever forward, engines at full steam ahead, never look back.

As time has passed, I've changed as well. And yet, the more I change, and the more I grow, the more I feel like I'm returning to the point where I began. Or rather, I feel like I'm returning to my true self.

A self not filled with hopelessness. A self not filled with bitter regret. A self not filled with hate and rage... despite the occasional bout of anger. *glances wryly at a couple of posts below this one*

Instead, it's a self filled with forgiveness. A self filled with compassion and care. A self that is finding its true balance again. A self I haven't seen in a while.

This self isn't the same wide-eyed dreamer of twenty years ago. Nor even the melancholy reflective soul of ten years ago. And this self definitely isn't the same carefree joyful child of a quarter century ago. But there's a little something of all of these selves contained in this "new" self that I'm striving to uncover within - the dreamer, the somber soul, the joyful child. A little of them all, and yet also something different, something new. A new self. A self that is me.

Hello there again, self. It's been a while.

Hurrah for Three-Day Weekends (part 2)...

Hurrah for three-day weekends during which it rains fiercely, with intermittent thunderstorms which knock out power and make various electronic equipment have the hiccups, making it risky to use things like computers.

Hurrah for people who say vindictive, mean-spirited things behind your back... and THEN decide to share their comments with you to your face, pretending their derogatory and demeaning words are offered in the spirit of "friendship" (...yeah right... as the saying goes, "With friends like these, I'm better off with a flamethrower..." ).

And lastly, hurrah for listening to music at work, and getting the Electric Chocobo song stuck in your head... to the point where you're humming it under your breath on the way to get your second cup of coffee

GO CHOCOBO! GO!

*toddles away with a cup of coffee, still humming under her breath*

:P

Hurrah for Three-day Weekends...

My brain hurts. My eyes burn. My back aches. My stomach feels nauseated. My allergies are flaring up. My appetite is non-existant. My shoulders feel like pieces of granite, they're so tense.My sinuses are bothering me. I feel fevered.

...in short, I do believe I might have come down with the flu. Just in time for the three-day weekend, too...

yay me.

-_-;;

Ode to Rolanberry Fields...

I was listening to the winamp radio today, on the jpop/anime/game station, while working away at the computer. Suddenly I heard something achingly familiar - the song for the Rolanberry Fields. It's an area on the Final Fantasy XI game. For some reason, it made me happy, yet melancholy at the same time. That song unexpectedly brought back fond memories. Memories of friends left behind, of time spent together, of the intense concentration, of focussed teamwork. I miss that.

I learned something important from that game: the true essense of good teamwork, is TRUST.

It's not enough to do your job, and do it well; it's just as important to trust others to do their jobs, without interference from you. And it's important for them to trust you as well. Without that sense of trust, things break down.

It was a good thing to learn. Or relearn, anyway.

It's horrible when you've trapped yourself in a place where trust is non-existant. Where doing your best just makes the higher-ups nervous and hostile. Where it's better to under-perform than over-achieve, because you'll get yelled at either way - but at least if you won't be eyed by management as a threat. And where even the best of intentions can lead you astray.

Looking back, it's no wonder I enjoyed FFXI so much - it was the perfect escape from this evil place. Vana'diel was a place where people did trust each other, and worked together as a cohesive team. That's something I don't have anymore. Instead, everyone here is only concerned with their own agendas. No one is looking beyond themselves at the bigger picture.

It was nice to be an integral part of a working team. Not to mention the amount of fun roleplaying a tarutaru was.

My role in WoW is much different than my role was as the diminutive little taru. I'm still trying to work things out, but hopefully I'm doing okay.

Still... I love the music from FFXI. Just hearing the music again made me miss the game a bit. I wonder if the soundtrack for that game is available anywhere...

Birthdays...

Generally, I hate birthdays. No no, not other people's birthdays - those generally I enjoy.

I just don't like my own. Not usually.

I guess that why I'm grateful for my friends - they drag me out on such days. Because, if left to myself, it would just be another melancholy day of uneventfulness.

Yesterday I had to endure a work birthday lunch, yet again. I don't mind lunches with the boss-lady, but when the manager goes... well... let us just say I suddenly become deaf-mute and focus my complete and utter attention on my plate. Or the decor. Or anything else.

Not that I'm normally a chatter-box or anything. (Well, okay maybe sometimes I can be...) It's just that, for some reason, I just have no urge to talk. None what-so-ever. Not to her. Probably because I know that she can't be trusted, so I've never felt comfortable opening up to her. Not really. The only times I've done so, are because I really don't care who knows how I feel about stuff.

In any case, it was a good enough lunch. I survived with my sanity intact, at least. (...or did I... hmm... ) Besides, I got a gift certificate to Starbucks, and a free pass to Disneyland out of it, so... ^^y

Then, after work, the group took me out to dinner. Mmmm... Italian food... and good friends... and they brought in a cake. Chocolate cake. From my favorite bakery.

Once we were through with dinner, I thought I'd call it a night. But, after a bit of coaxing, we went to a local place where they do karaoke every Friday night, and stayed there until about 10ish or so. It was fun. As always.

I spent most of today (my REAL birthday) reading. Then, a bit out of the blue, I got a call from another friend who's out on the East coast now. We talked on the phone for a while. It was great.

I forget sometimes how much I miss these folks when they're not around. Since some of them left the hell-hole where we shared so much time, the place just hasn't been the same. I haven't been the same. It's gotten so that, after being treated as worthless by people day-in and day-out, and being taken advantage of, time and time again, even by those claiming friendship, you start to really believe it... -_-

I know a lot of great people. I'm grateful for that. Perhaps more than I can ever express. I hope to be worthy of such wonderful people.

Thanks, guys.