Okay, so I'm sitting here watching TV. The story line is that there's this psycho psychiatrist out there who's killing his patients.
All of them have certain phobias that they were trying to overcome. He tells them that he can help them, but instead kills them using the very thing that they fear.
All of his victims are newcomers to the city, having moved away to a place where they have no family and no connections, trying to make a new start for themselves. Making them especially vulnerable.
And what city are they all newcomers to?
Portland.
Moral of the story: therapist are teh ebil.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
About the Wii...
Played Wii Sports for the first time this weekend. I've had it since I got the system (all of... like, 3 weeks), but never took the time to try it out. Was much too distracted by the novelty of running around swinging a sword and shooting things with arrows while wearing a stylish green floppy hat.
But finally did get around to trying out the game that came with the system. And truly, it is fun. Silly fun. Something that you'd only want to play around open-minded people who understand the geekiness of bouncing around and gesturing wildly while playing a video game version of tennis. Or worrying about the follow-through of your swing with a virtual baseball bat.
It's fun. Really fun. And pretty intuitive to control. And it's not really something you can play while sitting on your ass. You want to be up and moving, even if it's just to go through the motions of stepping up to fling a digital bowling ball down a non-existent lane towards imaginary pins.
The only game I haven't tried on it is golf. And I think I'll just leave it at that. Rather not end up flinging my Wii-mote out the window while cursing the screen, thank-you-very-much.
Next up: Smash Brothers. (And yes, Torias, I'll be bringing it with me when I come to visit, unless Nintendo delays the release date of the game)
But finally did get around to trying out the game that came with the system. And truly, it is fun. Silly fun. Something that you'd only want to play around open-minded people who understand the geekiness of bouncing around and gesturing wildly while playing a video game version of tennis. Or worrying about the follow-through of your swing with a virtual baseball bat.
It's fun. Really fun. And pretty intuitive to control. And it's not really something you can play while sitting on your ass. You want to be up and moving, even if it's just to go through the motions of stepping up to fling a digital bowling ball down a non-existent lane towards imaginary pins.
The only game I haven't tried on it is golf. And I think I'll just leave it at that. Rather not end up flinging my Wii-mote out the window while cursing the screen, thank-you-very-much.
Next up: Smash Brothers. (And yes, Torias, I'll be bringing it with me when I come to visit, unless Nintendo delays the release date of the game)
Thursday, September 20, 2007
I Still Hate the Lost Woods.
The music plays on and on... and on... incessant cheery piping, droning on and on. Accentuated occasionally by the intermittent chirping. Underscored by the occasional grunt of pain. Accompanied by the steely slash of metal cleaving air.
And occasionally something a bit more resistant.
But the music. Haunting, cheery, over and over and over... as you wander to and fro, seeking escape, seeking silence. Seeking the elusive and diminutive skull-masked figure giggling in the shadows, while dodging his summoned puppet minions.
I hate the Lost Woods. Almost as much as I hate underwater dungeons. But that's a whole different rant.
And occasionally something a bit more resistant.
But the music. Haunting, cheery, over and over and over... as you wander to and fro, seeking escape, seeking silence. Seeking the elusive and diminutive skull-masked figure giggling in the shadows, while dodging his summoned puppet minions.
I hate the Lost Woods. Almost as much as I hate underwater dungeons. But that's a whole different rant.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
WARNING: This post contains some violence.
GRAAAAHHHHH!!!
*gnashes teeth as mouth froths with rage*
AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
*thows things across room just for the enjoyment of hearing breakage*
RAAAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRR!!!
*takes sword and starts chopping furniture, as splinters are strewn across the carpet*
...
...
...
*stands a moment in uffish thought*
...
...
...
... I've run out of things to say...
...
...
...
*ponders a moment*
...
...
...
*shrugs and goes to see what's on TV*
*gnashes teeth as mouth froths with rage*
AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
*thows things across room just for the enjoyment of hearing breakage*
RAAAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRR!!!
*takes sword and starts chopping furniture, as splinters are strewn across the carpet*
...
...
...
*stands a moment in uffish thought*
...
...
...
... I've run out of things to say...
...
...
...
*ponders a moment*
...
...
...
*shrugs and goes to see what's on TV*
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Random Thoughts from the Labor Day Weekend
1.) The Left Lane is for Passing - Key word there is the "passing" part. You're not going to get the best results passing when you're only going 2 mph faster than the semi that you're trying to pass.
It's even less effective when you move to the passing lane AND THEN SLOW DOWN so that you're only going 2 mpg faster than the semi that you're trying to pass.
Geez, people.
2.) Deer are F@CKING stupid - Dear deer: you do not graze on concrete or asphalt. So why the hell do you wander onto the median of a busy interstate highway?
I understand that maybe you want to avoid hunters getting eager for the upcoming hunting season, but seriously, getting hit by a car is NOT MUCH BETTER than getting shot. Either way, you're gonna be dead. And the other way wouldn't cause heart attacks in innocent interstate travelers just trying to get away.
3.) El Pollo Loco = Goodness - SO WHY DOES OREGON STILL NOT HAVE AN EL POLLO LOCO! DAMMIT!
4.) Sometimes I Just Miss the Sunshine - I mean, I understand the whole rain = green thing. Just looking at the natural landscape of Cali shows how much of a difference the rain and clouds make on the environment. Yeah, I know all that.
Still, sometimes basking in the sunlight on a nice summer day is worth the sunburn.
It's uplifting. I need that sometimes.
5.) Deer are Still F@cking Stupid
It's even less effective when you move to the passing lane AND THEN SLOW DOWN so that you're only going 2 mpg faster than the semi that you're trying to pass.
Geez, people.
2.) Deer are F@CKING stupid - Dear deer: you do not graze on concrete or asphalt. So why the hell do you wander onto the median of a busy interstate highway?
I understand that maybe you want to avoid hunters getting eager for the upcoming hunting season, but seriously, getting hit by a car is NOT MUCH BETTER than getting shot. Either way, you're gonna be dead. And the other way wouldn't cause heart attacks in innocent interstate travelers just trying to get away.
3.) El Pollo Loco = Goodness - SO WHY DOES OREGON STILL NOT HAVE AN EL POLLO LOCO! DAMMIT!
4.) Sometimes I Just Miss the Sunshine - I mean, I understand the whole rain = green thing. Just looking at the natural landscape of Cali shows how much of a difference the rain and clouds make on the environment. Yeah, I know all that.
Still, sometimes basking in the sunlight on a nice summer day is worth the sunburn.
It's uplifting. I need that sometimes.
5.) Deer are Still F@cking Stupid
Thursday, August 30, 2007
GAH
I can't seem to focus on anything but the negative right now. Well, I know I have a natural tendency towards the negative, but right now it's worse than usual. The overflow of negative has predictably resulted in isolation.
Which really is deserved. I can't blame anyone for it but myself. No one wants to talk to someone who's always feeling miserable and borderline self-destructive.
So I'm going to stop.
Until I get to a better place in my head, I'm just not going to talk about it.
Which really is deserved. I can't blame anyone for it but myself. No one wants to talk to someone who's always feeling miserable and borderline self-destructive.
So I'm going to stop.
Until I get to a better place in my head, I'm just not going to talk about it.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Just before the bottom drops out...
After months of submitting my resume everywhere, I actually got a call back. The very next day.
Summer's promise fades
Faint embers of hope linger
Anticipation
Summer's promise fades
Faint embers of hope linger
Anticipation
Thursday, August 23, 2007
On the Edge
I never thought I'd be so near the end of my rope.
I thought it was hard before, at my old job. Insecure managers with no people skills. Overbearing co-workers who openly get away with sexual harassment without consequence. Demanding procrastinators who put the blame on everyone else. It was a very unhappy place.
That was nothing compared to this.
Wavering between sleeplessness and complete collapse. Headaches. Exhaustion. Anxiety. Frustration. Hopelessness. Fear.
Chained by responsibility. By guilt.
I don't even have the energy to game. Or write. Or anything.
I'd scream if I could. Or cry.
There must be something wrong with me. Everything I touch falls apart.
I thought it was hard before, at my old job. Insecure managers with no people skills. Overbearing co-workers who openly get away with sexual harassment without consequence. Demanding procrastinators who put the blame on everyone else. It was a very unhappy place.
That was nothing compared to this.
Wavering between sleeplessness and complete collapse. Headaches. Exhaustion. Anxiety. Frustration. Hopelessness. Fear.
Chained by responsibility. By guilt.
I don't even have the energy to game. Or write. Or anything.
I'd scream if I could. Or cry.
There must be something wrong with me. Everything I touch falls apart.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Randomness
Latest MMORPG experience: Lord of the Rings Online.
Good points:
1.) Lots of lore. Heck, it's based on Tolkien!
2.) I get to be a short healer again. Yay!
3.) Also get to be a short tank. A REALLY short tank. More yay!
Disappointing points:
1.) Weapons aren't proportional to the size of your character. Thus, my short tank drags her sword along the ground. And a two-handed sword appears to drag THROUGH the floor.
I guess that's why the Shire has a lot of farms - you can just strap a big sword on all the adventuring hobbits and have them run across your field. Instant furrows everywhere, ready for planting.
2.) Characters don't walk - they mince. It's like there's something is wrong with their feet, making them physically unable to move a foot forward in a normal stride, unless running.
I don't see my hobbit in a kimono, so watching her walk that way makes no sense whatsoever.
3.) Auction House Interface - you can't use the "tab" and "enter" keys in the auction house interface to move from field to field. Not even if you're trying to, say, enter a bid of 10 silver and 55 copper. Instead you have to click into the silvers box, enter "10," then click into the copper box and enter "55." THEN to bid you have to go click on "Bid."
This is a minor annoyance. And happens every time you visit the AH.
Ah well, guess I'll just vendor everything. >_>
__________
Tired tired tired tired tired.
__________
"Creature Comforts" is hilarious. Really really hilarious. Presented by the creators of "Wallace and Grommit," it has all the quirky humor that I so love.
__________
Still tired.
__________
So, putting the company's magazine together for the first time was quite an experience. A couple weeks with several 9-hour days (and skipping lunches), followed by one hellish 12-hour day.
Everything that could go wrong, just about did.
The Mac had a nervous breakdown and froze. All attempts to get it working were failing, and I was frustrated almost to the point of tears. My former boss had to be called, and managed to coax the machine to work well enough to get the project finished - but by that time it was past 8pm.
Turns out the HD was almost completely full. Just had to clear out a bit of space, defrag the disk, and soon it was back to normal.
I wish fixing my brain was that easy.
Good points:
1.) Lots of lore. Heck, it's based on Tolkien!
2.) I get to be a short healer again. Yay!
3.) Also get to be a short tank. A REALLY short tank. More yay!
Disappointing points:
1.) Weapons aren't proportional to the size of your character. Thus, my short tank drags her sword along the ground. And a two-handed sword appears to drag THROUGH the floor.
I guess that's why the Shire has a lot of farms - you can just strap a big sword on all the adventuring hobbits and have them run across your field. Instant furrows everywhere, ready for planting.
2.) Characters don't walk - they mince. It's like there's something is wrong with their feet, making them physically unable to move a foot forward in a normal stride, unless running.
I don't see my hobbit in a kimono, so watching her walk that way makes no sense whatsoever.
3.) Auction House Interface - you can't use the "tab" and "enter" keys in the auction house interface to move from field to field. Not even if you're trying to, say, enter a bid of 10 silver and 55 copper. Instead you have to click into the silvers box, enter "10," then click into the copper box and enter "55." THEN to bid you have to go click on "Bid."
This is a minor annoyance. And happens every time you visit the AH.
Ah well, guess I'll just vendor everything. >_>
__________
Tired tired tired tired tired.
__________
"Creature Comforts" is hilarious. Really really hilarious. Presented by the creators of "Wallace and Grommit," it has all the quirky humor that I so love.
__________
Still tired.
__________
So, putting the company's magazine together for the first time was quite an experience. A couple weeks with several 9-hour days (and skipping lunches), followed by one hellish 12-hour day.
Everything that could go wrong, just about did.
The Mac had a nervous breakdown and froze. All attempts to get it working were failing, and I was frustrated almost to the point of tears. My former boss had to be called, and managed to coax the machine to work well enough to get the project finished - but by that time it was past 8pm.
Turns out the HD was almost completely full. Just had to clear out a bit of space, defrag the disk, and soon it was back to normal.
I wish fixing my brain was that easy.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Kinda Down
Friend of mine the other day said, "Portland is a great place, there's a lot of stuff to do. But it sucks to be in alone in this city, without someone to do stuff with."
I gotta say I think she's right.
It's hard for me out here. I feel very lonely. I don't have folks around to drag me out to do fun stuff when I'm feeling down or withdrawn. Or check up on me when I'm not feeling well. Or pester me when I need to be pestered. Or make me laugh.
Feels like if I were to die out here, it would be days before anyone would even notice.
I gotta say I think she's right.
It's hard for me out here. I feel very lonely. I don't have folks around to drag me out to do fun stuff when I'm feeling down or withdrawn. Or check up on me when I'm not feeling well. Or pester me when I need to be pestered. Or make me laugh.
Feels like if I were to die out here, it would be days before anyone would even notice.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
I remember when...
So I turn on the news, and find that my local CBS affiliate is (once again) covering a fire outbreak. Before I switch the station, they mention that the fire is in LA.
Griffith Park is on fire. I sit and watch in horror as flames engulf a beloved place of my childhood memories.
My parents used to take us up there on occasion. I remember the little train ride for the kids. I remember the pony ride - where else is a city kid gonna get the chance to ride a horse in LA? I think there was a petting zoo as well, but my memories are vague and I can't be sure. But the train ride and the ponies, I'm sure of.
I remember loving our trips to the park - the long car trips filled with anticipation (hey, anything longer than 5 minutes is a "long" car trip for a kid), waiting in line with other excited kids, the ponies carrying children along their rope-defined paths...
How much of all that was left, I don't know. I hadn't been there in ages - not since I was a kid. Memories were all I really had of the place. Vague, happy, childhood memories.
Encircled and engulfed in flames.
Griffith Park is on fire. I sit and watch in horror as flames engulf a beloved place of my childhood memories.
My parents used to take us up there on occasion. I remember the little train ride for the kids. I remember the pony ride - where else is a city kid gonna get the chance to ride a horse in LA? I think there was a petting zoo as well, but my memories are vague and I can't be sure. But the train ride and the ponies, I'm sure of.
I remember loving our trips to the park - the long car trips filled with anticipation (hey, anything longer than 5 minutes is a "long" car trip for a kid), waiting in line with other excited kids, the ponies carrying children along their rope-defined paths...
How much of all that was left, I don't know. I hadn't been there in ages - not since I was a kid. Memories were all I really had of the place. Vague, happy, childhood memories.
Encircled and engulfed in flames.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Random Reflections
There was a child today, running around after her mother. She couldn't have been more than two years old, if that. Laughing, playing, rushing about with all the endless energy and innocent exhuberance that only children can possess. Yet even so, she was very well behaved for a child her age. You could tell her mother spent a lot of time with her, and was already teaching her socialization skills.
There's nothing quite like a child's laughter. Filled with such happiness, such unbridled joy, it can bring a smile to all but the hardest of hearts.
Bringing up a child in this world, it's so just much. I'm in awe of people who have the kind of courage and selflessness it takes to be a good parent. Especially in this day and age. There's just so much out there that can harm a child, on one way or another - physically, emotionally, spiritually... it's scary. And yet, you can't protect them from everything. Kids will be kids - they'll go out, try things, get hurt, and hopefully learn from their experiences without causing themselves permanent damage.
I look at my younger cousins, and where I once saw cute little monsters I now see fine young men and women. It's so amazing. They're so amazing. It's hard to believe sometimes. I'm so proud of them - so proud to call them family.
I look around and see old friends raising their little ones. Or not-so-little ones, in some cases. And again, it's so amazing. So incredibly amazing.
And, at times, I feel a pang of longing - and loss. Because I know. I'll never know the joys and hardships of parenthood. All the frustration, all the worry, all the wonder. All of it, an amalgam of contradictory emotions and experiences, bundled up with a bow, like a present.
But not for me.
There's nothing quite like a child's laughter. Filled with such happiness, such unbridled joy, it can bring a smile to all but the hardest of hearts.
Bringing up a child in this world, it's so just much. I'm in awe of people who have the kind of courage and selflessness it takes to be a good parent. Especially in this day and age. There's just so much out there that can harm a child, on one way or another - physically, emotionally, spiritually... it's scary. And yet, you can't protect them from everything. Kids will be kids - they'll go out, try things, get hurt, and hopefully learn from their experiences without causing themselves permanent damage.
I look at my younger cousins, and where I once saw cute little monsters I now see fine young men and women. It's so amazing. They're so amazing. It's hard to believe sometimes. I'm so proud of them - so proud to call them family.
I look around and see old friends raising their little ones. Or not-so-little ones, in some cases. And again, it's so amazing. So incredibly amazing.
And, at times, I feel a pang of longing - and loss. Because I know. I'll never know the joys and hardships of parenthood. All the frustration, all the worry, all the wonder. All of it, an amalgam of contradictory emotions and experiences, bundled up with a bow, like a present.
But not for me.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Random Thoughts on the Commercials of Today...
Commercials, commercials, commercials - if ya watch TV, you end up spending what feels like half the time watching commercials. Commercials trying to sell you everything under the sun, from auto insurance to sandwiches to feminine hygiene products.
Some are entertaining. Some are annoying. (Actually, a LOT of them are annoying.) All with the same message: buy, buy, buy.
Some try a fear tactic - you need our product, if you don't buy our product you'll be lacking something important, something you need. There's a lot of medication commercials of this stripe. Alarm systems, diet products, some car commercials too.
Others try a greed tactic - this product will make you happy/rich/sexy, buy buy buy it now. Vitamins products, body scent sprays, exercise equipment, etc.
Of course, one strategy that I personally find abhorrent is the negative ad tactic - trashing someone else's product in order to promote your own.
Bye bye, sandwich place of toasty subs.
Some are entertaining. Some are annoying. (Actually, a LOT of them are annoying.) All with the same message: buy, buy, buy.
Some try a fear tactic - you need our product, if you don't buy our product you'll be lacking something important, something you need. There's a lot of medication commercials of this stripe. Alarm systems, diet products, some car commercials too.
Others try a greed tactic - this product will make you happy/rich/sexy, buy buy buy it now. Vitamins products, body scent sprays, exercise equipment, etc.
Of course, one strategy that I personally find abhorrent is the negative ad tactic - trashing someone else's product in order to promote your own.
Bye bye, sandwich place of toasty subs.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Dinner is Served
I have a bad tendancy to brood. And worry. And stress myself out.
Sometimes, to make myself feel better, I resort to something that I find relaxing and enjoyable - I cook.
So that's what I did.
I took some flank steaks I had thawed out earlier in the week, and tossed them into a teriyaki marinade, along with a couple cloves of garlic. Let them sit overnight to soak up the flavor.
Washed some rice and tossed it into the rice cooker.
Got some finely chopped garlic in a pan of melted butter. Threw in a pile of sliced mushrooms. Added a bit of extra virgin olive oil, a bit of salt, some pepper. Tossed them into a bowl.
mmmm...
Started boiling some water. Added some salt. Once it got to boiling, turned off the heat and tossed in some broccoli. Waited just until the color changed to a deeper green, then drained them. Into a bowl for later.
Got the steaks, grilled them up in the pan that I just took those garlic mushrooms out of. Made sure to cook it just long enough, without making it dried out. Then put in aside for a bit, to let the juices all settle.
Ah, there's the rice cooker beeping. Rice is ready.
Back to that pan again. Grilled onions go good with steak, right? So, into the pan they go. After a bit, I added some shoyu and mirin, then reduced it down for a little bit of extra teriyaki sauce.
mmmm...
_____
...oh, before I forget. I created a new blog, for the purpose of posting short stories and such. The link is over on the side there. I'll try to update it from time to time.
Sometimes, to make myself feel better, I resort to something that I find relaxing and enjoyable - I cook.
So that's what I did.
I took some flank steaks I had thawed out earlier in the week, and tossed them into a teriyaki marinade, along with a couple cloves of garlic. Let them sit overnight to soak up the flavor.
Washed some rice and tossed it into the rice cooker.
Got some finely chopped garlic in a pan of melted butter. Threw in a pile of sliced mushrooms. Added a bit of extra virgin olive oil, a bit of salt, some pepper. Tossed them into a bowl.
mmmm...
Started boiling some water. Added some salt. Once it got to boiling, turned off the heat and tossed in some broccoli. Waited just until the color changed to a deeper green, then drained them. Into a bowl for later.
Got the steaks, grilled them up in the pan that I just took those garlic mushrooms out of. Made sure to cook it just long enough, without making it dried out. Then put in aside for a bit, to let the juices all settle.
Ah, there's the rice cooker beeping. Rice is ready.
Back to that pan again. Grilled onions go good with steak, right? So, into the pan they go. After a bit, I added some shoyu and mirin, then reduced it down for a little bit of extra teriyaki sauce.
mmmm...
_____
...oh, before I forget. I created a new blog, for the purpose of posting short stories and such. The link is over on the side there. I'll try to update it from time to time.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Displacement
Was trading interesting FFXI-based videos (via YouTube) with the brother for the past week. In searching for something interesting, I came across this an old video from a long time ago.
(For those interested, you can find it HERE)
I remember seeing it for the first time when I was still playing FFXI. It was originally done in Japanese, and some of the translations in the English version are a bit clunky and not as poignant (I think, anyway). Still, I think the message is still strong.
It made me remember. It made me think. It made me sad.
I miss the old FFXI days sometimes, but I also know it's not the same back there anymore. What I miss is really the closeness of friends, and those friends are long gone from that game.
It also put me in mind of my current situation in WoW.
I don't feel like I belong sometimes. At lvl 70, there doesn't seem to be anything for me, somehow. The progression from this point on is all about tweaking stats with equipment, which requires a build up of reputation and/or running certain instances over and over. Want to discover something new? Well, the only way to do so is to get the equipment and reputation to open new opportunities.
Over and over and over.
The satisfaction of this kind of success is enough for most folks. Why not me? I feel like I'm missing something. Something vital.
I'm not a hardcore player. I don't care about gear, or loot, or epics, or gold. I don't bother (too much) about stats, or numbers, or getting x amount of +dodge% in order to be able to avoid y% of attacks. Mind you, I don't think anything is wrong with being interested in this aspect of the game - it's just not for me.
I just want to play with friends, and have fun.
But lately, I feel I can't do that. I don't care about stats and such, and as a result my paladin's gear is not up to par for most folks. I feel like I'm more of a detriment than an asset. I know that folks would be much better off with someone better geared than me.
I hate being a burden on people.
めいわく を かける。Meiwaku o kakeru.
"Meiwaku" is translated as "annoyance" or "bother". "Kakeru" is to place upon, hang, or cover. So, "to hang an annoyance upon" or to make oneself a pest.
It carries the feeling of being an imposition, a burden, in such a way that the other party cannot politely refuse you aid without breaking the unwritten code of social responsibility and civility, thus losing face. It has connotations of being needy, spoiled, and greedy - of selfishly taking advantage of the kindness and generosity of others without regard for anyone but oneself. A kind of social blackmail.
Maybe because of this, I always feel reluctance to ask for aid. And there are only a few people I feel close enough to feel like I have the right to ask for help. Because otherwise I can never tell if the help is out of duty and obligation, or the bonds of friendship. And I never want anyone to feel "forced".
(For those interested, you can find it HERE)
I remember seeing it for the first time when I was still playing FFXI. It was originally done in Japanese, and some of the translations in the English version are a bit clunky and not as poignant (I think, anyway). Still, I think the message is still strong.
It made me remember. It made me think. It made me sad.
I miss the old FFXI days sometimes, but I also know it's not the same back there anymore. What I miss is really the closeness of friends, and those friends are long gone from that game.
It also put me in mind of my current situation in WoW.
I don't feel like I belong sometimes. At lvl 70, there doesn't seem to be anything for me, somehow. The progression from this point on is all about tweaking stats with equipment, which requires a build up of reputation and/or running certain instances over and over. Want to discover something new? Well, the only way to do so is to get the equipment and reputation to open new opportunities.
Over and over and over.
The satisfaction of this kind of success is enough for most folks. Why not me? I feel like I'm missing something. Something vital.
I'm not a hardcore player. I don't care about gear, or loot, or epics, or gold. I don't bother (too much) about stats, or numbers, or getting x amount of +dodge% in order to be able to avoid y% of attacks. Mind you, I don't think anything is wrong with being interested in this aspect of the game - it's just not for me.
I just want to play with friends, and have fun.
But lately, I feel I can't do that. I don't care about stats and such, and as a result my paladin's gear is not up to par for most folks. I feel like I'm more of a detriment than an asset. I know that folks would be much better off with someone better geared than me.
I hate being a burden on people.
めいわく を かける。Meiwaku o kakeru.
"Meiwaku" is translated as "annoyance" or "bother". "Kakeru" is to place upon, hang, or cover. So, "to hang an annoyance upon" or to make oneself a pest.
It carries the feeling of being an imposition, a burden, in such a way that the other party cannot politely refuse you aid without breaking the unwritten code of social responsibility and civility, thus losing face. It has connotations of being needy, spoiled, and greedy - of selfishly taking advantage of the kindness and generosity of others without regard for anyone but oneself. A kind of social blackmail.
Maybe because of this, I always feel reluctance to ask for aid. And there are only a few people I feel close enough to feel like I have the right to ask for help. Because otherwise I can never tell if the help is out of duty and obligation, or the bonds of friendship. And I never want anyone to feel "forced".
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
(0_0) . . . (-_-) . . . (_ _)
It's 7am. I haven't slept. Got maybe an hour, probably less.
Heartburn seemingly triggered an asthma attack, which raised my anxiety levels enough to make the asthma worse. Did not help that laying down made the asthma worse also, making it difficult to breathe at all.
Took some antacids for the heartburn. Took a hit from the inhaler. Two. Four. But it kept coming back.
After about two hours of struggling, I gave up. Decided to get up and not worry about sleeping. Turned on the TV, puttered around on the 'net.
Outside, the day is starting. But for me, it never ended.
Heartburn seemingly triggered an asthma attack, which raised my anxiety levels enough to make the asthma worse. Did not help that laying down made the asthma worse also, making it difficult to breathe at all.
Took some antacids for the heartburn. Took a hit from the inhaler. Two. Four. But it kept coming back.
After about two hours of struggling, I gave up. Decided to get up and not worry about sleeping. Turned on the TV, puttered around on the 'net.
Outside, the day is starting. But for me, it never ended.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Lost...
Don't know what to do. Things are broken. Falling apart. Can't be fixed. Don't know how.
Can't sleep. Can't eat. Hurting. Tired. So tired.
Falling. Tumbling. Crumbling. Pieces. Battered. Tattered. Torn. Worn. Aching. Waking.
Self-inflicted madness beckons.
Pain confirms life.
Can't sleep. Can't eat. Hurting. Tired. So tired.
Falling. Tumbling. Crumbling. Pieces. Battered. Tattered. Torn. Worn. Aching. Waking.
Self-inflicted madness beckons.
Pain confirms life.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Dream or Nightmare
Recently I had a rather disturbing dream.
I was standing somewhere in a room. There was neither dark nor light in the room - it was illuminated dimly, but there was enough light that I could see a bit. The room was rather large, or at least felt large.
Unlike most of my dreams, this took place in the first-person perspective. (Most of my dreams take place from a third-person perspective, almost like watching a television program, but in 3-D.) Which made the next part rather odd.
I had a knife in my hand. It was a very sharp knife. And rather long - the blade alone was about 4 inches in length. It was one of those pocket knifes you can flick open with one hand. The blade was already out.
I took this knife. I plunged it into my own chest. It was a very sharp knife. There was some pain, but it was a distant, hollow thing. It felt better than the numbness. It did not distract me from my task.
Grimly, I carved a great circle in my chest. I removed my heart and tossed it away. The wound healed over. There was no pain. The heart dissolved away into nothingness. Only the blood remained, staining my hands and the blade in them.
The numbness was all that was left.
I don't know how I feel about this dream, exactly. Part of it is terrible, and even terrifying. And yet, a part of me longs for that numbness, as everything seems to spin into confusion.
I was standing somewhere in a room. There was neither dark nor light in the room - it was illuminated dimly, but there was enough light that I could see a bit. The room was rather large, or at least felt large.
Unlike most of my dreams, this took place in the first-person perspective. (Most of my dreams take place from a third-person perspective, almost like watching a television program, but in 3-D.) Which made the next part rather odd.
I had a knife in my hand. It was a very sharp knife. And rather long - the blade alone was about 4 inches in length. It was one of those pocket knifes you can flick open with one hand. The blade was already out.
I took this knife. I plunged it into my own chest. It was a very sharp knife. There was some pain, but it was a distant, hollow thing. It felt better than the numbness. It did not distract me from my task.
Grimly, I carved a great circle in my chest. I removed my heart and tossed it away. The wound healed over. There was no pain. The heart dissolved away into nothingness. Only the blood remained, staining my hands and the blade in them.
The numbness was all that was left.
I don't know how I feel about this dream, exactly. Part of it is terrible, and even terrifying. And yet, a part of me longs for that numbness, as everything seems to spin into confusion.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
The Next Level...?
I've been spending a bit of time contemplating the here-after of late. It's something to occupy the time, on those nights I lay alone in the dark, utterly unable to fall asleep anyway thanks to the lingering anxieties that plague me day to day.
What becomes of you after death? Death is something that comes for us all, in the end (so to speak). We are by nature mortal, and so our times upon this earth, both our fleeting joys and our tragic suffering, are limited. And once our physical bodies lay lifeless, food for worms and grubs (or ashes scattered across the waters to provide nourishment to algae-blooms, or whatever other rituals we humans undertake upon the death of a loved one, to find some solace at our loss), what then?
Is there such thing as a soul? Or is the "soul" but a conceit, a clever fabrication of fiction and fantasy, constructed in order to allay our fears of the impermanence and ultimately the insignificance of our own paltry lives, in the greater scope of history? Is the "soul" nothing more than consciousness, a result of firing synapsis triggering cells in our brains to regurgitate certain thoughts, feelings, and emotions associated with certain people, places, and events?
What is it like, to die? Is it painful? Is one aware? Or does one simply grow too tired, eyes drooping in exhaustion, as awareness slips away quietly, and the body shuts down into a final slumber.
Is there time for fear? Sorrow? Regret?
Death, a black chasm waiting before you.
Will you leap? Or will you be pushed?
It doesn't care either way. I'll still end up at the bottom.
What becomes of you after death? Death is something that comes for us all, in the end (so to speak). We are by nature mortal, and so our times upon this earth, both our fleeting joys and our tragic suffering, are limited. And once our physical bodies lay lifeless, food for worms and grubs (or ashes scattered across the waters to provide nourishment to algae-blooms, or whatever other rituals we humans undertake upon the death of a loved one, to find some solace at our loss), what then?
Is there such thing as a soul? Or is the "soul" but a conceit, a clever fabrication of fiction and fantasy, constructed in order to allay our fears of the impermanence and ultimately the insignificance of our own paltry lives, in the greater scope of history? Is the "soul" nothing more than consciousness, a result of firing synapsis triggering cells in our brains to regurgitate certain thoughts, feelings, and emotions associated with certain people, places, and events?
What is it like, to die? Is it painful? Is one aware? Or does one simply grow too tired, eyes drooping in exhaustion, as awareness slips away quietly, and the body shuts down into a final slumber.
Is there time for fear? Sorrow? Regret?
Death, a black chasm waiting before you.
Will you leap? Or will you be pushed?
It doesn't care either way. I'll still end up at the bottom.
Monday, February 12, 2007
On Blizzard and the Power of Poo...
I am a gamer. Not exactly an obsessive gamer (although some may disagree), but an avid gamer. Since my introduction to MMORPG’s (anyone out there remember Asheron’s Call?), I have been the victim of a few other like-minded fantasy-based games of this nature. And for the past 2 years, the MMORPG of choice has been a somewhat popular game by the name of “World of Warcraft.” It is from a company called Blizzard, and is based on their lucrative Real Time Strategy series “Warcraft.”
It’s really rather a fun game. You select a race and class, run around killing pixelated enemies and monsters, raise in levels and obtain new weapons and armor with which to slay even more powerful enemies and monsters. Oh, and if you’re on a Roleplay server, you get to pretend to “be” your character in your interactions with other characters. Like dress-up, but without spending a couple hundred (thousand?) bucks on a nice sword and shiny armor too heavy to walk around in comfortably.
However, there is one little small thing I have to say about some of the quest lines presented in the game. Specifically, quest lines that somehow involve … poo.
No, that’s not another one of the “gamer-speak” acronyms that represent some turn of phrase or game-related term (like xp, mp, hp, oom, pat, inc, or countless other terms no doubt incomprehensible to most non-gamer peoples). By “poo” I mean excrement. That undigestible material which exits out the backside of most multicellular Earth-based organisms of non-plant origin after processing. Otherwise known, in more crude terms, as poopies, crap, doo-doo, and shit.
Someone at Blizzard has an unhealthy obsession with the stuff, it seems. I have so far experienced no less than three quests that somehow involve your character scurrying off in search of some form of poo for some reason or another. Collecting the crystal poo of giants to make a demon-slaying sword… ew? Poo-sword? The collecting samples to determine the diet of monsters is a little more feasible (if no less icky, imho), but yeah the mighty Poo-sword of doomzorz (+5 vs demons) is a little much, don’t you think?
…and I won’t even go into the poo-cherry tablets… collected from large piles of what look like doggy doo-doo…
*sigh*
As if eating spider-kebobs and clam-bars (chewy and delicious!) wasn’t bad enough…
It’s really rather a fun game. You select a race and class, run around killing pixelated enemies and monsters, raise in levels and obtain new weapons and armor with which to slay even more powerful enemies and monsters. Oh, and if you’re on a Roleplay server, you get to pretend to “be” your character in your interactions with other characters. Like dress-up, but without spending a couple hundred (thousand?) bucks on a nice sword and shiny armor too heavy to walk around in comfortably.
However, there is one little small thing I have to say about some of the quest lines presented in the game. Specifically, quest lines that somehow involve … poo.
No, that’s not another one of the “gamer-speak” acronyms that represent some turn of phrase or game-related term (like xp, mp, hp, oom, pat, inc, or countless other terms no doubt incomprehensible to most non-gamer peoples). By “poo” I mean excrement. That undigestible material which exits out the backside of most multicellular Earth-based organisms of non-plant origin after processing. Otherwise known, in more crude terms, as poopies, crap, doo-doo, and shit.
Someone at Blizzard has an unhealthy obsession with the stuff, it seems. I have so far experienced no less than three quests that somehow involve your character scurrying off in search of some form of poo for some reason or another. Collecting the crystal poo of giants to make a demon-slaying sword… ew? Poo-sword? The collecting samples to determine the diet of monsters is a little more feasible (if no less icky, imho), but yeah the mighty Poo-sword of doomzorz (+5 vs demons) is a little much, don’t you think?
…and I won’t even go into the poo-cherry tablets… collected from large piles of what look like doggy doo-doo…
*sigh*
As if eating spider-kebobs and clam-bars (chewy and delicious!) wasn’t bad enough…
Monday, February 05, 2007
otanjyoubi omedetou...
ひとりぼっち。さみしい。くるしい。こんなきびしい気持はこころからはなれない。じぶんの手できったきずはなんねんかかってもなおらないんだ。このいたみはいつまでものこっている。でも、みんなに心配をかけないように、にこにこして、笑顔を見せたいあげたい。本当の気持、誰にもうあわせたくない。そのために、みんなからはなれて、このまんまひとりぼっちにしたほうがいいと思う。なみだを川のようにながれても、泣き声きこえないようにこころひそかにしか泣かない。
(birthdays are life's cruel yearly reminder that death is still stalking you...)
(birthdays are life's cruel yearly reminder that death is still stalking you...)
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Year of the Boar...
It is, once again, the Year of the Boar. Ya know what that means? It means this is the third time the cycles of years has turned, passing me by. Again, and again, and again.
It looms before me, inching ever closer. Slowly, undeterred and unstoppable, the remaining time ticks away, flowing away drop by drop, grain by grain. And even as it approaches, I find myself mired once again in apathy.
Where am I going? Where have I been? What do I do? What to I want? I don't know. Lacking ambition, lacking focus, lacking purpose.
Lacking.
It looms before me, inching ever closer. Slowly, undeterred and unstoppable, the remaining time ticks away, flowing away drop by drop, grain by grain. And even as it approaches, I find myself mired once again in apathy.
Where am I going? Where have I been? What do I do? What to I want? I don't know. Lacking ambition, lacking focus, lacking purpose.
Lacking.