Saturday, April 07, 2007

Displacement

Was trading interesting FFXI-based videos (via YouTube) with the brother for the past week. In searching for something interesting, I came across this an old video from a long time ago.

(For those interested, you can find it HERE)

I remember seeing it for the first time when I was still playing FFXI. It was originally done in Japanese, and some of the translations in the English version are a bit clunky and not as poignant (I think, anyway). Still, I think the message is still strong.

It made me remember. It made me think. It made me sad.

I miss the old FFXI days sometimes, but I also know it's not the same back there anymore. What I miss is really the closeness of friends, and those friends are long gone from that game.

It also put me in mind of my current situation in WoW.

I don't feel like I belong sometimes. At lvl 70, there doesn't seem to be anything for me, somehow. The progression from this point on is all about tweaking stats with equipment, which requires a build up of reputation and/or running certain instances over and over. Want to discover something new? Well, the only way to do so is to get the equipment and reputation to open new opportunities.

Over and over and over.

The satisfaction of this kind of success is enough for most folks. Why not me? I feel like I'm missing something. Something vital.

I'm not a hardcore player. I don't care about gear, or loot, or epics, or gold. I don't bother (too much) about stats, or numbers, or getting x amount of +dodge% in order to be able to avoid y% of attacks. Mind you, I don't think anything is wrong with being interested in this aspect of the game - it's just not for me.

I just want to play with friends, and have fun.

But lately, I feel I can't do that. I don't care about stats and such, and as a result my paladin's gear is not up to par for most folks. I feel like I'm more of a detriment than an asset. I know that folks would be much better off with someone better geared than me.

I hate being a burden on people.

めいわく を かける。Meiwaku o kakeru.

"Meiwaku" is translated as "annoyance" or "bother". "Kakeru" is to place upon, hang, or cover. So, "to hang an annoyance upon" or to make oneself a pest.

It carries the feeling of being an imposition, a burden, in such a way that the other party cannot politely refuse you aid without breaking the unwritten code of social responsibility and civility, thus losing face. It has connotations of being needy, spoiled, and greedy - of selfishly taking advantage of the kindness and generosity of others without regard for anyone but oneself. A kind of social blackmail.

Maybe because of this, I always feel reluctance to ask for aid. And there are only a few people I feel close enough to feel like I have the right to ask for help. Because otherwise I can never tell if the help is out of duty and obligation, or the bonds of friendship. And I never want anyone to feel "forced".

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