Sometimes life gets you down, and you need a kick in the butt to get your bearings again. But life, being life, rarely provides you with exactly what you need. Sometimes it gives you more, sometimes less.
This time, it gave me a kick in the face.
I've been recently enlightened, and shown that I've been stupid, selfish, and petty. I hate petty. Hate. HATE. Petty. I already know I'm selfish, and stupid is a condition that seems pretty permanent, sadly. But petty, no. That I can't abide.
To hell with petty. That stops now.
__________
I've been spending a lot of time with my family here this week. I've missed them a lot. It's like I've been living with a tear in my soul for this past year, and after a while didn't notice. But now I feel whole.
If only for a week.
Sometimes I wonder if I've made a mistake. Sometimes I wish I'd never left.
I miss the warmth. Of family and friends. Of familiar places, and the fond memories they evoke. I even miss the weather. Oh god do I miss the weather.
I miss the blue skies, and warm weather of my childhood. I miss being able to walk outside in the middle of December in jeans and a t-shirt, with maybe a light jacket. I miss how rain was a rarity, a cause for a wry smile, despite the fact that no one out here has a clue as to how to deal with wet asphalt when driving. I miss the sun shining down on me, and feeling the warmth of that light pressing gently down on my skin.
I miss the convenience of Japanese specialty shops being nearby, and almost everywhere - everything from grocery stores to gift shops to bookstores to restaurants. I miss Japanese shows on the TV, and Japanese video shops around the corner.
I miss it. I miss it all.
But it's too late. Too late. And now I can't go back. Things have changed. They aren't the same. They'll never be the same. Never.
But LA is still home to me. And always will be, I think. Even if I can never go home, a part of me will belong here always. And no matter what people think, or say, I'll never be ashamed of that.
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