A Kick in the Head...

Sometimes life gets you down, and you need a kick in the butt to get your bearings again. But life, being life, rarely provides you with exactly what you need. Sometimes it gives you more, sometimes less.

This time, it gave me a kick in the face.

I've been recently enlightened, and shown that I've been stupid, selfish, and petty. I hate petty. Hate. HATE. Petty. I already know I'm selfish, and stupid is a condition that seems pretty permanent, sadly. But petty, no. That I can't abide.

To hell with petty. That stops now.
__________

I've been spending a lot of time with my family here this week. I've missed them a lot. It's like I've been living with a tear in my soul for this past year, and after a while didn't notice. But now I feel whole.

If only for a week.

Sometimes I wonder if I've made a mistake. Sometimes I wish I'd never left.

I miss the warmth. Of family and friends. Of familiar places, and the fond memories they evoke. I even miss the weather. Oh god do I miss the weather.

I miss the blue skies, and warm weather of my childhood. I miss being able to walk outside in the middle of December in jeans and a t-shirt, with maybe a light jacket. I miss how rain was a rarity, a cause for a wry smile, despite the fact that no one out here has a clue as to how to deal with wet asphalt when driving. I miss the sun shining down on me, and feeling the warmth of that light pressing gently down on my skin.

I miss the convenience of Japanese specialty shops being nearby, and almost everywhere - everything from grocery stores to gift shops to bookstores to restaurants. I miss Japanese shows on the TV, and Japanese video shops around the corner.

I miss it. I miss it all.

But it's too late. Too late. And now I can't go back. Things have changed. They aren't the same. They'll never be the same. Never.

But LA is still home to me. And always will be, I think. Even if I can never go home, a part of me will belong here always. And no matter what people think, or say, I'll never be ashamed of that.

Winter Random Thoughts

Cold.

So cold.

Evil evil cold.

A cold that seeps through to the very core of you. Into the very marrow of your bones. A cold that nips and bites, leaving skin feeling numb in its wake. A cold that burns so deep, you wonder if you'll ever know the meaning of warmth again.

Or was warmth just an illusion? Some vague daydream, some fever-induced madness, half-imagined by a delusional mind?

Warmth? I can still vaguely recall a time spent in pale sunshine that never lost the battle aganst the wandering winter wind. When a cloudless sky promised a warm, sunny day - a day maybe too cold for the beach, but still better than a day where daring to wander outdoors without a heavy coat could be the death of you.

And I used to like cold days...

>_>
__________

Dear Mister Customer-Who-Won't-Stop-Picking-His-Nose:

Please. Stop. It's very icky.

Thank you.
__________

Bus, Taxi, or Shuttle?

Or a 5-hour wait at the airport?

...

...how long does my DS battery charge last again?

<_<

Future, Present, Past

Looking forward,
look ahead -
nothing waiting,
nothing said.
an empty heart,
an empty bed.
a silent wish
to just be dead.

Lost within the present pain,
stabbing through my chest again.
Nothing but a sense of shame,
knowing there's no one to blame.

Looking backward,
look behind,
all the sins
not hard to find
in lies forgot
the self to blind
let the hands
of time unwind

End it all, the present pain.
Never want to feel again.
Let it go, the final breath,
Find release in death.

Inspiration

I'm happiest when most away
I can bear my soul from its home of clay
On a windy night when the moon is bright
And the eye can wander through worlds of light

When I am not and none beside
Nor earth nor sea nor cloudless sky
But only spirit wandering wide
Through infinite immensity.

-Emily Bronte
__________

Sleep brings no joy to me,
Remembrance never dies;
My soul is given to misery
And lives in sighs.

Sleep brings no rest to me;
The shadows of the dead
My waking eyes may never see
Surround my bed.

Sleep brings no hope to me;
In sounder sleep they come.
And with their doleful imagery
Deepen the gloom.

Sleep brings no strength to me,
No power renewed to brave:
I only sail a wilder sea,
A darker wave.

Sleep brings no friend to me
To soothe and aid to bear;
They all gaze, oh, how scornfully,
And I despair.

Sleep brings no wish to knit
My harassed heart beneath:
My only wish is to forget
In the sleep of death.

-Emily Bronte
__________

There's a certain slant of light,
On winter afternoons,
That oppresses, like the weight
Of cathedral tunes.

Heavenly hurt it gives us;
We can find no scar,
But internal difference
Where the meanings are.

None may teach it anything,
'Tis the seal, despair,-
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the air.

When it comes, the landscape listens,
Shadows hold their breath;
When it goes, 't is like the distance
On the look of death.

-Emily Dickinson
__________

time to pass out...

I'm working on trying to improve my health lately. But it's hard. The hardest part seems to be working up the motivation. Or the energy.

I can't seem to fall asleep, and often end up reading or just listening to music for hours until I just pass out from sheer exhaustion. Sometimes literally. And then there are the nights I don't sleep. That I can't sleep. And I don't dream anymore. Or at least, I can't remember dreaming.

My energy levels are very low, to the point that some days I have to force myself to bother with making dinner. And some days I have to force myself to eat, because I just don't have an appetite.

I worry constantly, for no reason, over the most trivial of things. I get indecisive about the dumbest things. I can't get any writing done, because I'm too tired, not motivated, and feel crappy and guilty about that too. I feel like there are expectations I'm not living up to. That I can't live up to. And I feel like I'm letting people down.

So... yeah. Motivated.

But seriously, trying to focus on my health right now. At least, the outer shell of my health. Hopefully by focussing and improving that, I can address a few other problems as well.

Well... in the meantime, think I'll see about that passing out from exhaustion thing for a bit.