I'm so tired. The past two days, I've been out walking here and there in the rain. And last night I was suffering from one of my typical anticipation (anxiety?) moments, and could not sleep. I feel exhausted. I really should be sleeping. Yet, I lay down, and just as my thoughts start to fuzz out, I jolt back awake again.
I can't settle my mind. I'm too keyed up. But I'm also too tired to do anything substantial, like any serious writing or design practice or studying. I try, but I can't seem to focus enough, and my eyes start drooping. And again, I try to go lay down, and after a few minutes my mind goes into overdrive yet again. I'm almost to the point of incoherent babble.
...
...
...oh wait, I do that anyway. *shrug*
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Insomnia...
...means I can't sleep... I'm too hyper/nervous/hyper/silly/tired/hyper to sleep.
SLEEPIES! Where are you, sleepies! Don't leave a poor taru up and restless, unable to find peace and nice soft dreamies in your gentle embrace! Don't run away - everyone knows tarus aren't scary!
*toddles off in futile pursuit of sneaky sleepies, which evade her grasp*
SLEEPIES! Where are you, sleepies! Don't leave a poor taru up and restless, unable to find peace and nice soft dreamies in your gentle embrace! Don't run away - everyone knows tarus aren't scary!
*toddles off in futile pursuit of sneaky sleepies, which evade her grasp*
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Fear
A national talent agency contacted me this week. They saw my resume posted online, and e-mailed me. I e-mailed them back, telling them I’d be interested (and happy!) to discuss things with them… and someone called me back (...sadly I wasn’t near the phone, and didn’t notice the message blinking until after 7pm...dammit... >_<).
And now, suddenly, I’m utterly terrified.
What if my skills aren’t good enough? What if they think I’m a total loser? What if my samples suck, and don’t look professional, and aren’t even worth the paper they’re printed on? What if I can’t be coherent on the phone, and make myself look like a total idiot?
What the heck is wrong with me?
I mean, I know I’m a hard worker. I’m dedicated, and determined when I put my mind to it. I’m organized and thorough about my work, and I enjoy being able to put my creativity to work everyday. I’m always willing to go the extra mile to make sure things are done correctly, neatly, and on time.
So why the hell am I so scared?
Friday, January 13, 2006
Insecurity
It's the start of my third month out here, and I have to admit I've been feeling a little insecure. Not that I'm ready to give up or anything. No, not yet. It's too soon for that. I'm just feeling kind of vulnerable.
It also doesn't help that I've been having tension headaches again. And my tummy has been a little ornery. Probably from me stressing out. Again. Well, the tummy probably is. The headache might have something to do with me not sleeping well, not getting as much caffeine, and maybe sour neck and shoulder muscles from hunching over my computer keyboard a bit.
And it's raining still. I need an umbrella. And boots. And a job. I could go out in the rain, but knowing my immune system (or lack thereof), I'd probably manage to catch pneumonia or something.
...
Minor non-related rant...
I have the TV on in the background right now. It's on the History Channel. A Japanese scientist is talking about something, and they have someone voicing over his explanation in English. BUT, the English-speaker is talking with a REALLY REALLY bad Japanesey accent.
Dear History Channel - why the heck do you do this? I mean, honestly, we all KNOW that the person you have voicing over the explanation most likely does NOT actually speak with such a heavy fake-Japanese accent. Why do you insult our intellegence by subjecting us to this REALLY BAD fake-Japanese accent from this scientist? It sounds bad, no one believes it, it's rather insulting, and it's just stupid. You undermine the credibility of your supposed scientific expert. I mean, who can take his presented evidence seriously when he sounds like one of those actors in an old Godzilla movie?
Gah. Once again I am reminded why I don't watch programs on the History Channel much. I'm not one of those hyper-sensitive "OMG YOU RACIST COMMIE BASTARDS!" kind of Asians about this sort of thing, but I still find it mildly offensive.
*sigh*
Ah well, back to scouring the job boards.
It also doesn't help that I've been having tension headaches again. And my tummy has been a little ornery. Probably from me stressing out. Again. Well, the tummy probably is. The headache might have something to do with me not sleeping well, not getting as much caffeine, and maybe sour neck and shoulder muscles from hunching over my computer keyboard a bit.
And it's raining still. I need an umbrella. And boots. And a job. I could go out in the rain, but knowing my immune system (or lack thereof), I'd probably manage to catch pneumonia or something.
...
Minor non-related rant...
I have the TV on in the background right now. It's on the History Channel. A Japanese scientist is talking about something, and they have someone voicing over his explanation in English. BUT, the English-speaker is talking with a REALLY REALLY bad Japanesey accent.
Dear History Channel - why the heck do you do this? I mean, honestly, we all KNOW that the person you have voicing over the explanation most likely does NOT actually speak with such a heavy fake-Japanese accent. Why do you insult our intellegence by subjecting us to this REALLY BAD fake-Japanese accent from this scientist? It sounds bad, no one believes it, it's rather insulting, and it's just stupid. You undermine the credibility of your supposed scientific expert. I mean, who can take his presented evidence seriously when he sounds like one of those actors in an old Godzilla movie?
Gah. Once again I am reminded why I don't watch programs on the History Channel much. I'm not one of those hyper-sensitive "OMG YOU RACIST COMMIE BASTARDS!" kind of Asians about this sort of thing, but I still find it mildly offensive.
*sigh*
Ah well, back to scouring the job boards.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Belated New Year's Post(aru)!
Went back home to visit family for New Years. Yay! Didn’t do much in the way of blogging during my stay, there was a lot going on. But I did want to make a littaru note here!
Friday
Flew back home, and was VERY disappointed with the service – from the moment I checked in, it was just bad. The guy behind the check-in counter was rude to a woman ahead of me, who had just missed her connecting flight by like 5 minutes. It wasn’t really her fault, because the flight was a different airline, and she had to grab her luggage from baggage claim.
Rather than be helpful, the man was extremely gruff and showed little sympathy for the woman’s plight. All he did was quote company policy over and over, and put her on the standby list for the next flight, rather than the flight the next morning, which is what she was asking for. It was the absolute worst example of good customer service I’ve ever seen. Absolutely abysmal.
The flight was a little late, that wasn’t so bad. But this airline made me have to wait for my seating assignment, rather than let me choose a seat ahead of time. Thus it was that I (and several others) were standing around waiting and waiting, until finally they assigned seating for us. And I somehow got assigned an exit row seat. Umm… yeah… how the heck am I supposed to be able to assist people in the case of an emergency?? Most people can’t even SEE me unless I stand on a step-stool or something.
Not only that, but the flight attendants on the plane were a little on the brusque side, and seemed more interested in their own comfort, rather than the comfort of their passengers. I mean, they did their job and all, but they didn’t really make us feel like we were really welcome or anything. It was more like they wanted us to hurry up and get off the plane so they could take the rest of the evening off.
Well at least I was glad when the flight was over. Kinda.
When we arrived in LAX, we landed in Terminal 6. However, our luggage was getting unloaded at Terminal 7. Which meant we all got to troop over to the next terminal to retrieve our belongings. This after the wonderful friendly and slightly late flight we had to endure.
Hmm… next time, I think I’ll avoid this particular airline, even if it does mean I have to pay 20 bucks more. Yeash. Talk about unfriendly flying…
Saturday
Ah, New Year’s Eve. I spent the whole day with my mom. Shopping. Originally we had a plan for our shopping day – start off with breakfast, then take my suit to get altered at the tailors, then wander the mall a bit, then grab some lunch and head home. However, that plan got derailed by my dad wanting to take me to get some warmer clothing first. So we were a bit off schedule, which tends to make the mom a little disgruntled.
We didn’t do as much shopping as Mom usually does. Still, it was a pretty good day. She found some really cool deals, as always! A $200 leather briefcase, on sale for $65. Two blouses, 50% off original price. I don’t know how she does it.
Stopped at the Chick-fil-a for lunch. Mmmm… chicken. Good as always. We shared the strips, as neither of us were that hungry, just a little peckish.
Back home, the rest of the day was a little quiet. We had a nice dinner, and together we watched the New Year special Japanese variety music show that they have every year. Nice and homey.
Sunday
New Year’s Day! Woke up to the traditional breakfast – ozoni! Mmmm… mochi goodness…
After breakfast, Mom started getting things ready for the traditional New Year’s family gathering at Grandma house. Chinese chicken salad, as always. I helped a bit. Mom went to Grandma’s house first, and then my brother, his girlfriend, and I went a bit later. We spent quite a long time there, with family. My cousins and aunts were there, and we had a pretty good time. By the time we got back home, it was around 9pm.
We watched a little TV together, then I played a little old-school video games on the computer before turning in for the night.
Monday
Both Mom and Dad had the day off today – sadly, the rain prevented Dad from going off to play golf. And it rained on the Rose Parade for the first time in 51 years. (No, it wasn't my fault. I didn't bring the rain with me. :/ )
Also went with Dad to visit my grandmother (his mom). She seems more and more distanced from us, and from reality. She just doesn’t seem completely there anymore. She can’t hear very well, her memory seems unclear, and she’s withdrawn. It’s painful to watch.
Tuesday
The first workday of the new year. Damn, I need to find a job. Mom and Dad were both off to work, of course.
I wanted to go check out computers for Mom – she’s been talking about getting one, since my old computer’s motherboard is dying a slow death, and can’t be relied upon. However, my old car had a dead battery, so the brother and I asked an old friend to drive us around. He agreed. We went to Fry’s, and Best Buy’s, looking at different options that might interest Mom. We also had some lunch – El Pollo Loco, in fact. Gotta love the crazy chicken. And I kinda miss it, as I’ve not seen one in the Portland area yet.
I also made some dinner – oyako donburi. I thought it would be a nice change for Mom, to have dinner ready when she got home instead of having to cook something after a long day at work. I know she’s been rather stressed out at work lately. After she ate, we all went to the Best Buy’s again, so she could take a look at what we thought would be a good deal for her. But as the cousins work at Best Buys, we just wrote down the information for now, and Mom will see if they can get a discount. She was also looking for a new TV, but she’s particular about what brand, and they didn’t have much in stock so close after Christmas, so she decided to wait a bit.
Wednesday
Wanted to get some coffee to take back today, so had to ask the friend to drive me out again. Car still isn’t working. The brother elected to stay home, as he was expecting something to come in the mail today and wanted to be at hand to receive it personally. So off we went. Unfortunately, the coffee place I wanted to get coffee for was still having problems with their new fancy cash machine computer thingy, and they were still unable to accept gift cards (I had tried back in November too, but they weren’t up then either). So I forked over cash for the coffee. After that we had some lunch, stopped by the game store, and went back to the house.
Thursday
Decided to spend a quite day at home. Watched some TV, puttered around a bit with the old (dying) computer, and went walking to the store for supplies to make the folks dinner – even though I was going out to dinner with my friends. I made the folks some pizza, with fresh pizza dough and cheese from the local Italian deli. I also got Mom some of their fresh sourdough bread, since she likes their sourdough so much.
Looking around, you can't tell it was raining just on Monday. It's clear and nice – and hot! Must have been at least in the high 80's. Unusually warm weather for this time of year, even for LA. *sigh*
Everything was all ready in the refrigerator, until about 5. That’s when I popped the pizza into the oven. It was nice and ready just as Mom walked in the door. Talk about the perfect timing!
The brother and I went to dinner with my friends, who came to pick me up at the house. It was a fun evening, and as always we stayed out WAAAY too late. We left the house maybe around 7pm, and didn’t leave the restaurant until maybe 10ish. Talking, talking, talking.
It was great to catch up with everyone again.
Friday
Dad took the opportunity yesterday to charge up the battery of the old car, so I was able to be independently mobile! Woo!
Went to pick up the suits. The slacks were a little too long still, so the seamstress told us to come back in 30 minutes while she made the final adjustments. The brother and I went to loiter a bit at the game store and the computer store as well. Before we knew it, it was time. This time, the slacks fit perfectly. We picked up some lunch on the way home.
I did the laundry, and started with the packing. The suitcase mostly was packed, but still need to finish cleaning out the air pot, so got on that. Then before I knew it, it was time to head off to dinner.
This time, dinner was with friends formerly fellow employees of hell. And again, it was a lot of fun. The brother and his girlfriend joined us, as did our friend-the-driver. It really was great.
I miss them all a lot.
Saturday
Mom wanted to do a little more shopping today. So off we went. We got a whole lot of stuff, and I had to do a little bit of repacking. It was great to spend time with Mom, as we didn’t get as much time together as we would have liked, what with her being so tired from work. She almost called in sick one day just so we could do stuff, but she decided it was better not to play hooky that way. (Yeah, I know where I get that responsibility-to-work thing…) I had some difficulty with getting the air pot clean, but Dad helped with that.
I miscalculated though on the time, and we ended up getting to the airport late. I barely managed to get to the gate – they were already boarding. But my luggage didn’t make it, and when I arrived in Portland we discovered that my suitcase had not been on the plane. They told me that the luggage was inbound on the following flight, but wouldn’t arrive until 11:30pm – a wait of almost 2 hours. They said that they could deliver the luggage to the house, but with a fee (since it was my fault I was late). I agreed, and they said they’d deliver the luggage a bit after 1am.
…
The luggage didn’t arrive until about 3am. I think the driver got a bit lost. But I was just so glad to get my suitcase I didn’t care. Everything was there, and I immediately took my suit and hung it up. I didn’t bother unpacking anything else though, as I was exhausted by this time.
The visit home is all over now. I’m happy and sad both at the same time, I guess. Hopefully I’ll find some work soon, and then can really begin adjusting better to this new life – the losing the old life won’t be so painful.
In the meantime, I gots lost of Japanese snacks from the Mom. I guess that helps. Mmmm… Pocky… *munch munch*
Friday
Flew back home, and was VERY disappointed with the service – from the moment I checked in, it was just bad. The guy behind the check-in counter was rude to a woman ahead of me, who had just missed her connecting flight by like 5 minutes. It wasn’t really her fault, because the flight was a different airline, and she had to grab her luggage from baggage claim.
Rather than be helpful, the man was extremely gruff and showed little sympathy for the woman’s plight. All he did was quote company policy over and over, and put her on the standby list for the next flight, rather than the flight the next morning, which is what she was asking for. It was the absolute worst example of good customer service I’ve ever seen. Absolutely abysmal.
The flight was a little late, that wasn’t so bad. But this airline made me have to wait for my seating assignment, rather than let me choose a seat ahead of time. Thus it was that I (and several others) were standing around waiting and waiting, until finally they assigned seating for us. And I somehow got assigned an exit row seat. Umm… yeah… how the heck am I supposed to be able to assist people in the case of an emergency?? Most people can’t even SEE me unless I stand on a step-stool or something.
Not only that, but the flight attendants on the plane were a little on the brusque side, and seemed more interested in their own comfort, rather than the comfort of their passengers. I mean, they did their job and all, but they didn’t really make us feel like we were really welcome or anything. It was more like they wanted us to hurry up and get off the plane so they could take the rest of the evening off.
Well at least I was glad when the flight was over. Kinda.
When we arrived in LAX, we landed in Terminal 6. However, our luggage was getting unloaded at Terminal 7. Which meant we all got to troop over to the next terminal to retrieve our belongings. This after the wonderful friendly and slightly late flight we had to endure.
Hmm… next time, I think I’ll avoid this particular airline, even if it does mean I have to pay 20 bucks more. Yeash. Talk about unfriendly flying…
Saturday
Ah, New Year’s Eve. I spent the whole day with my mom. Shopping. Originally we had a plan for our shopping day – start off with breakfast, then take my suit to get altered at the tailors, then wander the mall a bit, then grab some lunch and head home. However, that plan got derailed by my dad wanting to take me to get some warmer clothing first. So we were a bit off schedule, which tends to make the mom a little disgruntled.
We didn’t do as much shopping as Mom usually does. Still, it was a pretty good day. She found some really cool deals, as always! A $200 leather briefcase, on sale for $65. Two blouses, 50% off original price. I don’t know how she does it.
Stopped at the Chick-fil-a for lunch. Mmmm… chicken. Good as always. We shared the strips, as neither of us were that hungry, just a little peckish.
Back home, the rest of the day was a little quiet. We had a nice dinner, and together we watched the New Year special Japanese variety music show that they have every year. Nice and homey.
Sunday
New Year’s Day! Woke up to the traditional breakfast – ozoni! Mmmm… mochi goodness…
After breakfast, Mom started getting things ready for the traditional New Year’s family gathering at Grandma house. Chinese chicken salad, as always. I helped a bit. Mom went to Grandma’s house first, and then my brother, his girlfriend, and I went a bit later. We spent quite a long time there, with family. My cousins and aunts were there, and we had a pretty good time. By the time we got back home, it was around 9pm.
We watched a little TV together, then I played a little old-school video games on the computer before turning in for the night.
Monday
Both Mom and Dad had the day off today – sadly, the rain prevented Dad from going off to play golf. And it rained on the Rose Parade for the first time in 51 years. (No, it wasn't my fault. I didn't bring the rain with me. :/ )
Also went with Dad to visit my grandmother (his mom). She seems more and more distanced from us, and from reality. She just doesn’t seem completely there anymore. She can’t hear very well, her memory seems unclear, and she’s withdrawn. It’s painful to watch.
Tuesday
The first workday of the new year. Damn, I need to find a job. Mom and Dad were both off to work, of course.
I wanted to go check out computers for Mom – she’s been talking about getting one, since my old computer’s motherboard is dying a slow death, and can’t be relied upon. However, my old car had a dead battery, so the brother and I asked an old friend to drive us around. He agreed. We went to Fry’s, and Best Buy’s, looking at different options that might interest Mom. We also had some lunch – El Pollo Loco, in fact. Gotta love the crazy chicken. And I kinda miss it, as I’ve not seen one in the Portland area yet.
I also made some dinner – oyako donburi. I thought it would be a nice change for Mom, to have dinner ready when she got home instead of having to cook something after a long day at work. I know she’s been rather stressed out at work lately. After she ate, we all went to the Best Buy’s again, so she could take a look at what we thought would be a good deal for her. But as the cousins work at Best Buys, we just wrote down the information for now, and Mom will see if they can get a discount. She was also looking for a new TV, but she’s particular about what brand, and they didn’t have much in stock so close after Christmas, so she decided to wait a bit.
Wednesday
Wanted to get some coffee to take back today, so had to ask the friend to drive me out again. Car still isn’t working. The brother elected to stay home, as he was expecting something to come in the mail today and wanted to be at hand to receive it personally. So off we went. Unfortunately, the coffee place I wanted to get coffee for was still having problems with their new fancy cash machine computer thingy, and they were still unable to accept gift cards (I had tried back in November too, but they weren’t up then either). So I forked over cash for the coffee. After that we had some lunch, stopped by the game store, and went back to the house.
Thursday
Decided to spend a quite day at home. Watched some TV, puttered around a bit with the old (dying) computer, and went walking to the store for supplies to make the folks dinner – even though I was going out to dinner with my friends. I made the folks some pizza, with fresh pizza dough and cheese from the local Italian deli. I also got Mom some of their fresh sourdough bread, since she likes their sourdough so much.
Looking around, you can't tell it was raining just on Monday. It's clear and nice – and hot! Must have been at least in the high 80's. Unusually warm weather for this time of year, even for LA. *sigh*
Everything was all ready in the refrigerator, until about 5. That’s when I popped the pizza into the oven. It was nice and ready just as Mom walked in the door. Talk about the perfect timing!
The brother and I went to dinner with my friends, who came to pick me up at the house. It was a fun evening, and as always we stayed out WAAAY too late. We left the house maybe around 7pm, and didn’t leave the restaurant until maybe 10ish. Talking, talking, talking.
It was great to catch up with everyone again.
Friday
Dad took the opportunity yesterday to charge up the battery of the old car, so I was able to be independently mobile! Woo!
Went to pick up the suits. The slacks were a little too long still, so the seamstress told us to come back in 30 minutes while she made the final adjustments. The brother and I went to loiter a bit at the game store and the computer store as well. Before we knew it, it was time. This time, the slacks fit perfectly. We picked up some lunch on the way home.
I did the laundry, and started with the packing. The suitcase mostly was packed, but still need to finish cleaning out the air pot, so got on that. Then before I knew it, it was time to head off to dinner.
This time, dinner was with friends formerly fellow employees of hell. And again, it was a lot of fun. The brother and his girlfriend joined us, as did our friend-the-driver. It really was great.
I miss them all a lot.
Saturday
Mom wanted to do a little more shopping today. So off we went. We got a whole lot of stuff, and I had to do a little bit of repacking. It was great to spend time with Mom, as we didn’t get as much time together as we would have liked, what with her being so tired from work. She almost called in sick one day just so we could do stuff, but she decided it was better not to play hooky that way. (Yeah, I know where I get that responsibility-to-work thing…) I had some difficulty with getting the air pot clean, but Dad helped with that.
I miscalculated though on the time, and we ended up getting to the airport late. I barely managed to get to the gate – they were already boarding. But my luggage didn’t make it, and when I arrived in Portland we discovered that my suitcase had not been on the plane. They told me that the luggage was inbound on the following flight, but wouldn’t arrive until 11:30pm – a wait of almost 2 hours. They said that they could deliver the luggage to the house, but with a fee (since it was my fault I was late). I agreed, and they said they’d deliver the luggage a bit after 1am.
…
The luggage didn’t arrive until about 3am. I think the driver got a bit lost. But I was just so glad to get my suitcase I didn’t care. Everything was there, and I immediately took my suit and hung it up. I didn’t bother unpacking anything else though, as I was exhausted by this time.
The visit home is all over now. I’m happy and sad both at the same time, I guess. Hopefully I’ll find some work soon, and then can really begin adjusting better to this new life – the losing the old life won’t be so painful.
In the meantime, I gots lost of Japanese snacks from the Mom. I guess that helps. Mmmm… Pocky… *munch munch*