Too much

I know that, years from now, this is all going to look silly and petty and unimportant. But right now, it’s just too much. Too much. I can’t take much more.

Firstly, work suckage will be increasing substantially, because the assistant manager is leaving. This Wednesday will be her last day. Honestly, she’s been the one bright spark in our recent history of managers for the department. It was nice to actually have someone who knew WHAT a manager is really supposed to do, instead of just being a glorified secretary to someone higher up, never making any decisions or taking any responsibility.

Now, after Wednesday, that will all be gone.

Secondly, work suckage has already been increasing due to the loss of my ability to put up with the manipulations of a coworker who is under the deranged delusion that she is somehow in charge of me. The only defense I had to this previously was the soon-to-be-free assistant manager, who actually was the one I reported to. But now, now that will all be lost, and a direct confrontation may be necessary.

THAT will be ugly.

I hate confrontation. Especially ugly confrontations. Mostly because when I get angry, I get mean. Very mean. Normally I try to be a thoughtful person, and try to avoid hurting people’s feelings as much as I can. I try to be observant of what other people are sensitive about, note them, and avoid those topics in the future. But when I get mad, really mad, I have a very vicious tendency of targeting those vulnerabilities, and laying into a person with intent to hurt, as badly as I can. It’s not a side of myself I like.

But as much as I hate confrontations, I’m no longer willing to take someone else’s crap, either. If it comes to it, there WILL be a direct confrontation, it WILL be extremely ugly, and I WILL no doubt lose said person’s friendship over it. But at this point, if that’s what it costs me for a bit of sanity in the office, then so be it I’ll pay that price. The OTHER option is to go to HR. However, I know THAT will also cause a confrontation – just not during working hours. This person takes EVERYTHING personal, and will not hesitate to come after me after work to berate me for not going to her directly first. But the thing is, if I go to her directly first, it will turn into the direct (and ugly) confrontation I want to avoid in the first place.

Either way, I can’t win without some sort of confrontation - and the inevitable retaliation. Last time I got a really nasty voice mail message on my cell phone. The time before I got confronted in the parking lot. And then there was the time with the yelling in the kitchen… although to be fair, at that time my mom was recovering and I was really REALLY stressed out.

Thirdly, the family situation. Tensions ebb and flow, but lately they’re just bad. The brother is in chronic pain, and is without insurance – the dad wants the family to take responsibility, the mom and I feel we should support the brother, but feel that HE should be the one to take the initiative and get the help he needs.

I just need out.

A friend of mine has for the last 3 years or so offered me a place to stay – in Oregon. I’ve played with the idea many times, but never really seriously. Today I was looking at U-Haul rates, comparing them to van rental rates with my friend, trying to figure out how much of stuff to take, and figure what can be broken down for the move. I was calculating how much it would cost, considering the possibility of getting a used car instead of a new one, and even weighing donating my book collection to the local library or to goodwill.

I think I need to do this. For once, I think I need to not think of anyone else, and just think of myself.