fear

Fear.

Right here, and right now, I feel a lot of fear. Fear that I can't cut it. Fear that I won't make it. Fear that I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not talented enough. Fear that I'm doomed to fail. Not just out here, but everywhere. With everything. At everything.

Forever.

Fear also that something is going to happen back home, and that because I've put myself so far away, I'm going to also fail at the one thing I've always been pretty good at - being of help to the family.

It's the one thing I've always managed to do okay. The one thing that, after so many years, I kinda felt like I had a handle on. And now I can't. And lacking that stability, that strong rock I've always used to prop up my meager self esteem... I feel lost.

Especially now.

My grandparents are getting on in age. On one side of the family, my grandmother is waiting for a spot to open up at a Japanese cconvalescence home, because she's very weak. On the other side, my grandfather is slowing down - forgetting things, getting lost in conversations, getting confused. And grandma has lost more weight, Mom tells me - she last weighted in at something like 68 lbs., and the doctor is concerned about her emphysema. She going back this week for x-rays.

I talk on the phone with Mom sometimes, maybe once or twice a week. She's running herself ragged trying to juggle everything - even though she SAYS she's not.

I'm worried about her. I'm worried about my Dad too. And I'm worried about my grandparents. I know that they're getting older. I know what's coming. And I know there's nothing I can do about it. But I'm still worried

And I'm still afraid.