Resignation

Well, I actually did it. I resigned today. In two weeks, I will no longer be employed by the company, where I’ve worked for the past 8 years.

8 years. Wow. I can’t believe I’ve been there so long.

And that’s just the first step. The next step, of course, is getting my stuff here together to move out. That’s going to be a big chore.

I’m excited and apprehensive both. I know this isn’t going to be all happiness and roses (just as well, with my allergies to pollen and all… :P), but it will be good for me in the long run. It’ll be difficult to adjust to everything – new environment, far from home and all the stuff here I know and all that. And just the whole living with non-family peoples will take getting used to – even though I love both ‘Tan and Raz lots, it’ll be something for me to get used to. Heck, just being outside of the beck and call of family will take getting used to. For me, and for the family.

Speaking of family…

Mom’s not taking this too well. She feels it’s too risky, that I shouldn’t have resigned until I had a job lined up ahead of time, and an apartment of my own set up, and all the arrangements made. I think really though she just doesn’t want me to go. And I can understand that. I hate to think that this decision might be hurting her, but I can’t really even talk to her about it. When she starts getting negative it just makes me more apprehensive, and I don’t want to hear it because I start second-guessing myself. Again. Like I’m not already wrestling with my own inner demons of insecurity – I don’t think I can take any more doubt.

I need to do this. I need to try. If I don’t try now, if I let myself be defeated by my fears, I’ll give up any sense of autonomy. I’ll be ruled by uncertainty and fear, trapped in my own mind by doubts and insecurity. (And that wouldn’t be very comfortable… kinda too crowded in that little space, and I’m rather claustrophobic…)

This old poem comes to mind.
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Taking Flight

If I weren't such a coward I'd just fly away -
Away from the charnel-house reek of decay.
Fling myself forth without haste or delay,
With other like souls to frolic and play.

But because I'm a coward, in this hell I stay,
where disgrace and self-pity assault me each day,
My missteps and failures they proudly display,
And poison my soul with despair and dismay.

Break away, break away, with the dawn fly away -
Let the pain and self-hatred o'er my heart hold no sway,
Unbound by the pettiness that dark hearts obey,
Let my soul fly in freedom, bright wings to essay.

© Talathar, 2003
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Mom, I love ya, and I'd never want to hurt ya - but I need to fly.