About "Losing Myself"

Reading that poem again, wondering where it came from, and why. It woke me up as I was dozing at 1am in the morning last week, demanding that I get up, grab a pen and paper, write it down, before the words and thoughts and feelings behind them faded away into sleep. I sat there for an hour, dead tired and more than half asleep, trying to wake up enough to write them down in a semi-legible scrawl.

I know where it came from, now. Reflecting on it.

I don’t know why. I can’t explain it really. But somehow, in some way, I’m slowly losing my drive to play my main character in WoW. Ever since she hit the maximum level, there’s just something… not fun about her anymore. Lately, I don’t even log in with her, except to collect items to sell or send stuff to other characters.

Well, I guess actually it’s been creeping up on me even before I hit 60. The feeling that, even as I was pushing ahead, I was somehow getting left behind. The feeling that, somewhere along the line, I was losing something vital, something that was the spark that made the character fun.

I guess it’s a combination of things.

Some of the other level 60’s who were members of our guild left. I can’t blame them, as really there wasn’t much we could offer them anymore. They’re great people, friendly and always helpful. They’re still around, and we still consider them allies and friends. But I guess… I guess I just feel like I failed them, somehow. And that I failed the guild, too.

Everyone’s busy with their own things, their own agendas. That’s understandable. There are priorities in life, after all – the one thing I’d hate is if everyone felt obligated to do things they didn’t want to, in a game that is supposed to be about having fun. I don’t feel right imposing on others, either. Even most of our alts don’t quite match up in levels.

But with the level gaps within the group… it feels fragmented. No, that’s not right – I feel fragmented. Isolated.

It's not just the game, either. I’m in that mode again, I think. Isolating myself. Pulling away. Something is not right. I don’t know what, I don’t know why. Something is out of balance. Everything feels out of balance.

And yet I know, the only thing really out of balance right now, is me.